A brief ‘Twilight’ review
So … I took my kids and a couple of my daughter’s friends to see “Twilight” last night. It was quite an experience, first, just getting tickets. I logged onto Fandango at about 2:00 to check for available showtimes at the two big theater chains around here, and surprise! Every bloody showing (no pun intended) was sold out at the larger, 24-screen complex, until 11:10 at night. At the other, smaller theater (not the one usually clogged with teenagers) the first available showtime was at 8:50 p.m. So, I bought six tickets. We were a go.
At the theater, the line for seats was out the door at 8 p.m. We joined the line, where a lady was walking up and down with mini-pencils signing people up for a contest to meet the cast. After our nearly hour wait, and a bunch of previews (including a strange look at Glenn Beck’s “The Christmas Sweater,” which seemed to stun the audience to silence, except for the uncomfortable whispering…) the movie got going.
And may I just say … the studio should have kept the first director. Stop here if you don’t want details about the plot. I promise I won’t tell you how it ends… Otherwise:
The first “Twilight” movie was surprisingly good. It told a haunting, subtly played love story between the human Bella, and Edward Cullen, the 100-plus year old vampire forever stalled in the body of a pretty, but deathly pale 17-year-old. In the new film, Bella’s childhood pal, Jacob, is all grown up (at 16) and seriously buff. So when Edward and his family move away for good (supposedly) after Bella nearly gets devoured by the Cullen family after she cuts herself at a birthday party in her honor, Bella is left to brood, and brood, and brood, and freaking brood till you want to throw up in your popcorn. Luckily for her, and for the ear-splitting screaming crowd at the theater (my ears are still ringing — these chicks screamed when the opening credits rolled, and every time Edward or Jacob took to the screen…) Jacob makes a romantic play for Bella, who latches on to him in the absence of her true love. Jacob soon takes to walking around without his shirt on, after whipping it off to clean up a blood splatter on Bella’s head (she’s turned into an adrenaline junkie because apparently, danger makes her hallucinate a talking, whispy Edward1) It turns out he’s in the bloodline of the Native American warewolves his character alluded to in the first movie. And he comes into his own, suddenly and inexplicably, after a doughy friend of Bella’s pisses him off by getting sick at the movies. This, of course, presented us with the rare joy of watching a movie in which a bunch of people are watching a movie. That was one of several unintentionally funny scenes in “New Moon.” Another occurred when Jacob gets really, really angry, and yells “don’t make me mad. It’s gonna get ugly!” in about the least masculine voice I think I’ve ever heard (the audience roared.) And yet another: when Edward’s sister, who is a favorite of Bella’s, sees a vision of them together in the future, both as vampires, skipping merrily through the woods in stylish outfits. Seriously. And then there are the scenes in Rome, where Bella goes to save Edward from pulling a Romeo (as in “and Juliet”) by killing himself because he thinks she is dead, and where the vampire Cosa Nostra, the “vulturi,” (including a red eyed Dakota Fanning) are as cliched and cheesy a bunch of effete, British-accented over-actors as you’ll ever see on screen. But hey, they’ll make you laugh! (And um … they’re not supposed to make you laugh…)
The new director, Chris Weitz, is far less subtle or capable a filmmaker than Ann Hardwicke, who did a great job on the first film. Weitz seems to have watched way too much MTV, and it shows in the film. If he’s doing party three, I’m going to talk my daughter into waiting for the DVD (which we did with the first film.) But if you’re going to to tosee “New Moon” anyway, you pretty much need to know three four things:
1. Wear earplugs to deal with the screaming girls (and comfortable shoes. You’ll be in line a while even if you have tickets.)
2. There will be lots of ripped guys with their shirts off, so at least there’s that. (Robert Pattinson is NOT ripped. So be prepared for a very English body to go with his lovely face.)
3. Bella is really, really emo. All the damned time.
4. Good filmmaking or not, this flick is going to make a ton of money.
"New Moon's" pale and anguished Romeo and Juliet, Bella and Edward.
Twilight "New Moon" - Rough, tough and buff warewolves
"Twilight's" Jacob Black, all grown up.
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