| Saturday, December 23, 2006 |
| The 2006 list-o-matic |
 With the end of the year upon us, you know the drill. You'll be reading tons of year-end lists of all kinds. Things like... The top five rehab residents of 2006:
#5: Mel Gibson
#4: ex Congressman Mark Foley #3: Waifer thin celebrigirl Nicole Richie #2: Newly sprung from drugged out co-dependency Whitney Houston #1: Miss Second Chance, Tara Connor Or, what about the totally not gay celebrities of the year? #5: Clay Aiken ... and get your icky hand out of my face! #4: Tom Cruise ... honeymoon optional! #3: The guys from Brokeback Mountain ... how many "guy-on-girl movies" do you think these guys are going to have to do to finally get people over the gay cowbody thing??? #2: Oprah and Gayle ... sure, Oprah lent her some underwear once... what girl hasn't? #1: Anderson Cooper ... still gray, and still getting fan mail from girls!
Or what about, gadget of the year:
#5: Nintendo Wii ... new, 'spensive, and dangerous!
#4: iPod nano/shuffle ... they just keep making more of 'em, and the people keep buying...
#3: flat screen TVs ... they're becoming as common as K-Fed sightings!
#2: Motorola Razr ... is there anybody out there who didn't have this phone?
#1: Blackberry ...still king, still addictive like crack cocaine...
Most obnoxious celebrities of 2006?
#3: Madonna (pretentiousness has finally completely overtaken her...)
#2: Brangelina (three words, do-gooders: please stop helping.)
#1: Rosie O'Donnel (two words: Donald's right.)
Oh, there's more, kids, much more...Labels: 2006, top ten lists |
posted by JReid @ 3:56 AM   |
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| Top five hussies and ho's of 2006! |
As you know, for many women, there's no man quite so enticing as somebody else's man (right, Julia Roberts?). So this year, we at the Reid Report would like to honor the top five man-stealing hussies of 2006, and their man-ho's, too...!  #5: Denise Richards. How gangsta is Denise Richards? After she dumped that louse Charlie Sheen, she snagged her next man-ornament, rocker Richie Sambora, right out from under the clutches of her best friend, Heather Locklear ... who also happened to be their NEIGHBOR! And she did it after counseling her gal pal to get a divorce ... so she could steal ... her ... man...! I told you she was gangsta! So who are the people in your neighborhood? Man-stealling hussies, that's who! #4: Britney Spears: Having yanked K-Fed off the couch of his  baby's mana interloper from Brandy's TV show, Britney got to breedin' with him late last year, producing, fresh for 2006, an adorable little air bag, who coubles as a yo-yo, and a new baby Kevin can't possibly pay for any more than he pays for the other ...what is it four now, or six...??? Her interview with Matt Lauer? A comedy classic worthy of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour! And how often does your new, soon to be ex-hubby's ex actually THANK you for stealing her deadbeat man? Only in your world, Britney. Now go finalize those divorce papers and put on some drawers!  #3: Scary Spice: Why any woman would want to steal a man capable of making six ... that's SIX kids with one woman is beyond me, but Scary got her Murphy ... and her own little bundle of Murphy joy, too ... assuming that paternity test comes through before he spends all of his "Dreamgirls" money on child support... #2: Karrine Steffans, a/k/a the video vixen and best-  selling author, "Superhead": She helped free Whitney from Bobby Brown, and test drove a Mercedes, all in one gossip column! Love that! Now just keep Bobby busy long enough for Whitney to completely detox and get her album done and we're straight... ... and at number 1: you guessed it! Brangelina! They managed to devastate America's sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston, and enthrall Anderson Cooper and that Asian lady from the Today Show all at once with their charitable, third world adoption magic! Who will they cheat with next??? What lengths will Angelina go to to prove she's not the wicked witch of the West? Can Brad fake that golly-gee do-gooderism long enough to get back his box office mojo??? And what fabulous negro charity will benefit from all this man-stealing, wife dumping excitement???  Stay tuned! 2007 is sure to be a doozy! Labels: 2006, Bobby, Brangelina, celebrities, cheaters, Eddie Murphy, Scary Spice, Whitney |
| posted by JReid @ 2:39 AM |
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| Top 10 soundbites of 2006 |
It's been a swell year in news soundbites. So now, without further ado, here is the ReidReport list of the top 10 zingers, near misses and whoopsies of 2006.
#10. "I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."-- President Bush explaining to the hard-headed press corps in April that Don Rumsfeld was doing a fabulous job as defense secretary, and that he hears voices ...
#9. "This is the moment to say that there are things in life worth fighting and dying for and one of 'em is making sure Nancy Pelosi doesn't become the speaker." -- Fox News' resident angry Bushophile Sean Hannity, bolstering the GOP faithful the August before the midterm elections, by explaining to them that it might take a suicidal jihad to keep the Democrats from controlling the House of Representatives. And why not! After all, it would be an AMERICAN suicidal jihad...!
#8. "You may end up with a different math, but you're entitled to your math. I'm entitled to 'the' math." -- Former electoral "genius" Karl Rove telling some snotty NPR host on October 24th that he sees tons more polls than stupid NPR does anyway, so he knows for sure that Republicans are going to hold the House and Senate ... not too long after the interview, the Republicans lost the House and Senate...
#7. "You know, education ... if you make the most of it, you study hard and you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." -- Former presidential candidate John Kerry flubbing a joke, and with the cynical help of "friends" like John McCain and the media mob, throwing his presidential ambitions off what you might call, the permanent cliff...
#6. "I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, "Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies." -- Tortured radio and cable TV chat host Glenn Beck pleading with 100 percent American, U.S. Congressman Keith Ellison of Minnesota to reassure him that as an American Muslim, he's not secretly working with al-Qaida, as all Muslims tend to side with the terrorists, you know... deep down inside ... their little Muslim hearts...
#5. "Halfrican and, again, his father was -- his father was from Kenya, his mother's white. OK, now, I have nothing with mixed -- nothing against mixed-race people but, my point is, when this guy stands in front of a black audience, pretending like he was born and raised in the hood, and he can identify with their problems, he doesn't allow -- he is not, in my opinion -- 'cause my opinion is your average white guy -- he is not allowed to wear the African-American badge because his family are not the descendants of slaves, OK?" -- Obscure talk radio co-host Brian Sussman showing his ass to the man who could soon be the first African-American president of the United States, Barack Obama.
#4. "This fellow here with the yellow shirt ... Macaca or whatever his name is. ...so welcome, let's give a welcomoe to Macaca over here. Welcome to Virginia and the real world of America." -- Former Virginia Senator George Allen, putting a steak through the heart of his political career, and handing the Senate to the Democratic Party, just be being his lil' old racist self.
#3. "He's a nigger! He's a nigger!!!" -- Washed up comedic actor Michael Richards coming unglued at an L.A. nightclub, and jerking many Africna-Americans out of their closet Seinfeld fix, while simultaneously inspiring "Afro-American" comedians everywhere to give up the N-word. Way to make a difference, Kramer! And can I say, "Macaca!"
#2. "I went there for a massage" -- disgraced pastor Ted Haggard explaining why he was hanging out with a crystal meth-selling male gigolo in Denver, and giving cheating bastards everywhere the best excuse EVER for getting caught in flagrante! Put that one in your excuse baggies for later, Brangelina...!
#1. "Enough is enough!! I have had it... with these muthafuckin' snakes... on this muthafuckin' plane!!!" -- Big screen bad-ass Samuel L. Jackson, proving once again, why he, and he alone, is the soundbite king, this time as the star of the campy classic, "Snakes on a (muthafuckin') plane." Bitches!
And now, here's your bonus soundbite of the day. Enjoy!
"The irony is, what they really need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit, and it's over " -- President Bush at the G8 summit this summer, chowing down on buttered rolls (like a holstein cow, or a prison inmate fresh out of solitary, you pick your visual...) discussing the vagueries of Middle East foreign policy with the U.K. prime minister, and introducing the Brit-deflating phrase, "yo, Blair!" into the universal lexicon. My, how Her Majesty's empire has fallen...Labels: 2006, Beck, Bush, George Allen, Hannity, John Kerry, Karl Rove, Keith Ellison, Kramer, Macaca, Michael Richards, Muslims, racism, Snakes on a Plane, Ted Haggard, Tony Blair, top ten |
| posted by JReid @ 12:43 AM |
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